my life, my pace

So we had our annual MD/PhD research conference-type thing recently where I presented a poster on all the nothingness I’ve achieved over the past year (thank goodness it wasn’t a talk!). Although the day was full of interesting talks and posters, the most useful thing I found out was that I’m not the only one floundering here! Oh how reassuring it was for me to talk to my fellow MD/PhDers and find out that many of them are just as lost and confused as I am! And to find that they share the same I-just-want-to-finish-this-and-go-back-to-med-school-what-was-I-thinking mentality that I do was just absolutely priceless! Although it made me feel better that I’m not the only one suffering through this whole thing, it makes me wonder if how my colleagues and I feel is normal. Does how we feel mean that maybe we shouldn’t have tacked on that PhD…that we don’t want to be academicians?

I’ve often questioned my reasons for pursuing a career in academics because of my experiences with my major professor as well as watching his dealings in the academic world (especially grant-writing and re-writing and re-writing). But every time, I always come back to the same conclusion: I just can’t imagine doing anything else. When I think about being a clinician in private practice and how I will no longer be asking research questions and trying to figure out wacky ways to answer them, it makes me sick inside. Will I still feel this way by the time I finally finish my MD/PhD (if ever)? I don’t even know if I want to feel this way or not. It would be so much easier to just go into private practice (though of course, private practice comes with its own issues—they just seem so much more manageable to me compared to grant-writing and the politics of the academic world). But I’ve never been one to go the easy route. I’m most fulfilled by doing the most challenging things possible. But do I really want to be pushed to my limits constantly in my chosen career? Do I really want to risk failure when the stakes suddenly seem so high? Maybe I only like being challenged during my education? No matter how hard I try, I can’t answer these questions right now. And as much as it bothers me that I can’t easily answer them, I realize that all I can do is wait, grow, and develop in order to find the answers. What I do know is that, for now, my colleagues and I still want careers in academics and that is enough for us to carry on with the long and arduous path that we’ve chosen.

Oh, and finding out that my peers’ major professors don’t make them make their Powerpoint presentations or answer their phones was also a big plus (now, if only I could grow a big enough backbone to stand up to my major professor…but that’s a whole separate post in and of itself…).

Related posts:

1. let’s talk about specialtiesThe more interesting title would be “deal with the devil?” but that’s just too vague for search engines and the like. So I have this lame title instead, but rest assured, this post will not be lame—I hope. So the other day I was at lab (where else would I be?) and my major professor (who is a PhD by the way) waltzes into my office and plunks down in a chair, which is never a good thing because that means he wants to talk. And when talks, he only talks about himself. But that day was a little different. Major Professor: I remember you were interested in Dermatology. Are you still? Me (to self): Uh, no. I was only interested because I briefly fell into that whole comfy lifestyle with lots of money crap. I’m over that now. Me (to him): I haven't eliminated the possibility. Major Professor: The chair of Dermatology pulled me aside the other day and we had a long talk. He really regrets that not a single one of the residents that he has recruited so far in his time as chair here has chosen to stay in academics. Me (to self): Duh. If I did Derm, I wouldn’t stay in academics either. Major Professor: He thought that MD/PhDs would stay in academics, but they didn’t. Now he just wants someone who can guarantee him that they will stay in academics. He asked about you, since you’re an MD/PhD. Me (to self): Wha?! Can I...
2. that’s it. i’m so quitting science!As soon as I finish this damn useless PhD, of course. Though at this point, I'm not quite sure that I'll make it to the end without going on a murderous rampage. Let's review how I got here. 1. I spent a whole two years in my major professor's lab answering his fucking phone and making his Powerpoints. Then he has the nerve to make it my fault that I'm now taking an extra year to finish when it's really his fault since he's an ass. 2. I keep getting interrogated in the most demeaning and humiliating way possible whenever I present my work. And you know why? Because the whole fucking world thinks my dumbass major professor is a kook, which then makes me a kook since I'm being "trained" by him. No matter how much I try to distance myself and my work from him, it's too late because I'm associated with him and that instantly makes me a fraud too. And since they can't attack him, they attack me. And I'm sick of it. 3. Did I already mention that he's an asshole? Yeah, so he abandons me for Teacher's Pet and treats her like a human being, but treats me as badly as those people who like to interrogate and humiliate me treat me. He, who knows nothing about my work, dares to flat out tell me that I'm fucking wrong in what I plan to do next after proving quite conclusively the uniform lethality of...
3. is graduate school right for you?So you haven't been reading my blog and you're considering going to grad school, but you're not sure if it's right for you?  Well, not to fear, all you have to do is answer a few questions and you'll have your answer. Do you... ...enjoy being forced to look at really old figures from really old papers that you have no idea about and draw the same conclusions as said old papers written by people way more brilliant than you for entire semesters/quarters at a time? ...enjoy being put on the spot even though you haven't the faintest idea what the hell is going on? ...enjoy looking like an idiot all of the time because you have no idea what's going on? ...enjoy giving talks about your research that no one cares about or that isn't going anywhere? ...enjoy spending all of your waking hours in the lab and then some? ...enjoy being at the mercy of a narcissistic/bipoloar/passive-aggressive idiot? ...enjoy doing a whole shitload of work for peanuts? ...enjoy doing said shitload of work only to have your narcissistic/bipolar/passive-aggressive idiot major professor take all the credit? ...never want to finish school because that means you'll have to find a real job? If you answered yes to five or more of these questions, then grad school is definitely for you.  Run, don't walk!...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.