my life, my pace

So after a previous particularly humiliating performance, I spent over a month preparing for (more like obsessing about) the last talk I gave this past fall. I simply love it when I’m up there about to die from completely illogical nervousness, hoping that I make at least a little sense when I look at my audience and see…well, that guy over there is looking quizzically at my slide (What? I didn’t dumb it down enough for you? There’s already practically no text!)…and over there, she’s looking quizzically at me (What? Am I not speaking English here? Or wait. Is my shirt buttoned wrong? No wait. My shirt doesn’t even have buttons!)…and over there, my major professor is staring down at his lap (What? Are you actually embarrassed to hear me talk?! Thanks a bunch for boosting my self-confidence.).

And then the questions.
“Did you look at the platelets?”
“No. We’re not interested in platelet involvement in this process.” [Did you even listen to my talk?! What exactly did I say that had anything even remotely to do with platelets?]
“Well, they’re important. You should look at the platelets.” [because I study platelets and could really use the collaboration and I think that making you look like an idiot will really make you want to work with me.]
“Thanks for the suggestion.” [No shit platelets are important. I just don’t care.]

I hate giving talks. Really, I do. It’s right up there with, oh, I don’t know, cleaning up poop. Dirty, smelly, runny poop. Especially talks about nothing. Since I have no data at all right now. I also really hate making talks. Which is what I’ve been spending the last two weeks doing (after I already spent 2 weeks making that MD/PhD research conference-type thing poster on absolute nothingness). But now I have to talk about nothing. This weekend. Oh joy.

Why this aversion to giving talks? Well, maybe, just maybe, it’s because I’m a super-introvert who just can’t stand being the center of attention. You attention whores out there feel free to smack me now. [Yes, I realize the irony in my career choice, but that’s another post for another day.]

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1. top 10 things i learned from attending this research retreatSo I'm back from my retreat relatively unscathed. Here's what I learned. 10. It’s not really a retreat when you have to listen to talks for 8 hours a day. I think they call that prison. 9. People are just not that good with computers. Still. Really, Powerpoint’s been out for awhile now. And so have those pesky projector things. Why haven’t they figured out how to use them yet? 8. Never underestimate the draw of free food, even if it’s not very good. 7. Respected scientists still have to prepare for their talks. And I thought they would have it down by now. You mean I’ll still hate giving talks when I’m a respected scientist? Not exactly something I’m looking forward to. 6. Even respected scientists surf the web (which they actually paid for!) during talks. 5. Did I just see those two go up to a room together?! I don’t think I want to know. 4. Lab cliques—I kid you not. Though I think they would all be classified as geek cliques anyway so I’m sure I’m not missing out on much. Whew. 3. Even respected scientists fall asleep during talks when they have to listen to talks for 8 hours straight. And here I thought it was just grad students. How comforting. 2. When the alcohol is free, respected scientists drink too much too. And then they talk too much. But about science. I think I’ll pass. 1. I still hate giving talks....
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3. i hate my glassesCan't live with them.  Used to be able to live without them.  I've never liked glasses.  And I've been lucky that, although I've had glasses for the last seven years or so, that I've never really had any need for them.  Until now.  Sadly, part of my inability to study was the sheer effort that it required because I was straining my eyes so much to read my books and notes.  Yet I refused to admit it to myself (until recently) because I really hate wearing glasses.  See, I wouldn't mind if they actually fit.  But they don't.  Thanks to my not-so-glasses-friendly Asian face, either they're too loose and keep sliding down my nose or they're too tight and leave those god-awful marks on the bridge of my nose.  So why don't I just wear contacts?  Well, sorry, but putting something that up close to my eye just doesn't work for me.  And it never will.  So contacts just aren't an option.  In the end, what it amounts to is that I spend half of my so-called studying time adjusting my glasses.  Sad but true. ...

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