my life, my pace

Well, because I want to be just like House, of course!

Again, I kid you not. Even more than I hear the infamous “I want to be a surgeon because of Grey’s Anatomy” line, I hear the “I want to be a doctor so that I can be just like House” line. Coming mostly from those same starry-eyed high school/college kids, of course.

And again, I have to wonder every time I hear such a thing exactly what these kids are thinking, basing their aspirations on a made-up-and-therefore-completely-not real TV show character. But then I have to admit that I’m guilty of a little House worship myself. Not that watching House has made me want to become a doctor since I decided that way before any of these shows that make becoming a doctor seem oh-so-appealing came out. But in that I want to be abrasive like him. Because I’m a little lacking in the warm-and-fuzzy department and it’s nice to see that maybe, just maybe, I just might still make it despite my not-so-warm-and-fuzziness. But I know better than to actually aspire to be him. And just because I find him amusing doesn’t mean that I’m not going to try to be a little more warm-and-fuzzy. I know that a little warm-and-fuzziness goes a much longer way than all that snarkiness that we see on House does. And I would rather not be hated by my patients and colleagues, thank you. So, yes, I like House. And yes, I like his snarkiness. And I wish that I could be like him and get away with it. But I know better. Many of these kids don’t. And that’s quite scary.

So it’s time to wake these kids up to the ways that House gets the life of a doctor wrong.
(1) Snark, snark, and more snark. I know faculty who don’t care what they say. Nobody likes them. And nobody respects them either. And they get stabbed in the back all the time. In real life, we have things like grants and merits/promotions to worry about. We can’t say everything that’s on our minds without making enemies. And enemies are not good for our careers. They don’t care that we’re geniuses or that we’re indispensable despite our lack of social restraint. They care that we pissed them off. And they’ll strike back when we need something from them or when it comes time for them to review our grants or vote on our merits/promotions. Now, let’s look at patient interactions. Patients don’t like snark (see this post for the article saying just so), no matter how many times they show House getting through to patients by browbeating the crap out of them. In real life, behave that way with a patient and you’ll get slapped with a malpractice suit faster than House can say, “Everybody lies.” Doctors already get sued for such frivolous reasons nowadays, why ask for it? Even if you don’t get sued all the time, you’ll get fired quite often because the complaints will inevitably pile up and your superiors will see you as more of a liability than an asset regardless of how great you may be. And just as in the academic world, you’ll probably have a bunch of colleagues enemies who just can’t wait to see you thrown out on your ass.

(2) I see one patient every so many days, only if they’re interesting enough. Really? Where do I sign up? Do I really have to tell you that it’s just not so in real life? Well, just so we’re clear here, it’s not. Doctors have to see a whole lot more than just one patient everyday. That’s why we get to spend only 10-15 minutes on each patient, incurring their wrath for not being able to spend more time with them. And we don’t get to pick and choose who we see either, much as we would like to.

(3) Check out my sweeeeet, spacious crib office. Wow. I would kill to have House’s office. I think it’s bigger than my house. And its impeccable furnishing. Complete with that Herman Miller Aeron chair. Drool. Yeah. Not in real life. Not even close. I think I’ll be lucky to even have an office. And then I’ll be lucky if it’s bigger than a closet. And then I’ll be super lucky if it has a window. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating. But probably not by much. And still no Aeron for me, no matter how hard I wish. Unless I have a very cushy private practice, of course.

(4) I don’t do any of the actual work—I just do the thinking. Wouldn’t it be cool if I never had to talk to or touch a patient again? I can just send my minions like House does! And then after they’ve done all the hard work, I’m going to tell them that they’re wrong and worthless and order them to do more work for me! Sound a bit too good to be true? Well, it is. I suppose you have med students and residents that you can order around, but can you really order them around and abuse them to the extent that House does? I don’t think so…or at least I hope not.

(5) Everybody lies. So I’m going to break into their homes in order to cure them. What a brilliant idea! Except for the fact that it’s illegal and doctors don’t have time to be doing such things in the first place. In real life, all we can do is rely on all those lies that patients tell and our honed-over-the-years experience to separate fact from fiction and read between the lines.

(6) I can wear jeans, a t-shirt, a blazer (for some semblance of professionalism), and my oh-so-cool Nikes/All Stars to work. Ever notice how House is the only one on the show that dresses that way? His minions don’t. Wilson doesn’t. Cuddy doesn’t. They all actually look like doctors. Yeah, it’s no fun to dress up everyday. But that’s what we do. And you’re not likely to get away with not doing so as you go through your medical education. Maybe you can get away with it when you’re a big shot doctor. But by then, you won’t want to because you would rather show off your expensive clothes and impeccable taste. Because, face it, the clothes make the person. Nobody will believe that you’re a great doctor if you wear jeans and a t-shirt everyday.

So there you have it, young ones (and-delusional-from-too-much-studying med students). I hope you now see that all the things that make House so cool are in fact not how it really is in real life. And like I said in part 1 of this post, if you see for yourself what it’s really like and you still want to be a doctor, then, by all means, go for it—we need more of your kind of people in this profession!

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