my life, my pace

It’s time to educate those scientific talk newbies out there on how to give talks. And I’ve decided to go backwards and start with what is usually the very last slide in a presentation: the acknowledgements. Why this slide? Well, because it’s more important than you think it is, especially when you’re just starting out and are literally riding on the coattails of others. And because I attended the talks given by the students in the Super Special Undergrad Research Internship program today and was quite insulted (to put it lightly) by Ivy League Intern Dude’s and not-so-dear brother-in-law’s acknowledgements faux pas.

So here are the rules:
1. List all the names of the people who helped you with your project. These are the people, no matter how small their contribution, without whom you would never have been able to finish your project. So you have to include someone who helped you learn how to use the machines even though all they did was teach you how to use them. And you have to include the person you randomly bounced an idea off of if you used their suggestion in your project. You don’t have to thank the delivery man though. It’s his job. At this stage in your career (lowest of the low newbie), as with this Super Special Undergrad Research Internship program, oftentimes the people who end up helping the most do so out of the goodness of their hearts and not because of some incentive. They didn’t get anything for it and wasted their time, which could have been spent on better things than helping a bunch of pretentious spoiled brats. So acknowledge them all because there is no such thing as the lone scientist, who does every single thing himself. Also don’t forget to include your funding source(s)—you definitely would never have gotten your project done let alone be talking about it if you had no funding.

2. Group the people you are acknowledging by how they helped you. This will make it less cumbersome for you to rattle off what everyone did. For example, if Joe S., Frank B., and Ann H. all helped you run gels, then list them together. Then when you go over the names, you can say, “Joe S., Frank B., and Ann H. helped me run gels.” Or you can group them by affiliation and say, “Joe S., Frank B., and Ann H. are collaborators who provided us with special knockout mice from the University of XYZ.” Trust me, it sounds much better than just reading off a list of names that no one in your audience recognizes. And this is where Ivy League Intern Dude went wrong today (among other things, including the next rule): he grouped me with our high school volunteers and said, “mylifemypace, high school volunteer #1, and high school volunteer #2 all helped me out with my project when they didn’t have to.” Now wait a minute here. Since when did I become equal to a high school student?! See the next rule for more explanation of this faux pas.

3. Give credit where credit’s due. If someone has a PhD, then by all means, put that after their name! It’s so common sense, isn’t it? Well, apparently, common sense is hard to come by, if this batch of Super Special Undergrad Research Interns is any indication. They listed anyone with an MD or PhD as “Dr.” instead of writing out their full names and titles. And then there’s Ivy League Intern Dude’s faux pas, pointed out above. Instead of separating me out from the rest of the people in the lab, he grouped me with high school volunteers and did not give me the appropriate credit. I am an MD/PhD student (or he could have even said grad student), not some punk high school kid! I have not spent the last 2+ years toiling in the lab to be placed at the same level as some random high school kid! I know it’s hard to believe, but MD/PhD students are human too. We have egos too. All he had to say was, “mylifemypace, Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor’s MD/PhD (or grad) student.” I was insulted by this, but given his performance this summer, it wasn’t too surprising and I could write it off and forget about it. But then there was not-so-dear brother-in-law, who also gave a talk and listed me in his acknowledgements. And he pulled the same stunt in that he said, “mylifemypace, what Ivy League Intern Dude said” instead of simply saying that I am Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor’s MD/PhD student who helped him out. It could have been an innocent mistake on his part, but it wasn’t, because there was another MD/PhD student in his acknowledgements and he clearly gave her the correct title as an MD/PhD student and he had never even met this girl! And he so obsessively recited his memorized script that there was no way that he randomly said what he did by mistake. So it was a purposeful omission on his part to downgrade me to the status of a mere high school volunteer/lab tech because of his jealousy of how he’ll never even come close to matching me and because of his dislike for me because of his super psycho super fugly girlfriend—more of the same games he’s been playing all summer long (anyone else thinking passive aggressive here?). Only problem is he’s leaving in exactly four days and he will get an earful tonight on what he did today and another one on the day he leaves (about all of the other stunts he’s pulled during his stay here) because I will not let some spoiled 20-year-old brat think that he got the best of me and that I don’t know what he’s up to.

Little tirade aside, it’s important at this stage in your career to not insult anyone who might bite you in the ass later. It’s better to be overzealous in your acknowledgements than to skimp because you never know who you might insult or what they’ll do to you in the future. Not-so-dear brother-in-law’s certainly going to learn this lesson the hard way. So I hope that my little guide here will help you avoid making the same newbie mistakes these Super (Un)Special Undergrad Research Interns did…because you never know when you might have someone like me in your audience.

Related posts:

1. as the lab world turns (episode 4)BACK STORY: During the summer, the department has a Super Special Undergrad Research Internship program for those worthy of it. There are two such interns in Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor’s lab this summer, both very undeserving of such an honor, but who both got it through Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor’s behind-the-scenes ever so unethical string pulling. Yes, two spots that should have gone to people with near perfect GPAs and much better interview skills went to these two sloths who think they own the place even though they are the lowest of the low on the totem pole. And when these sloths’ sense of entitlement collides with Super Bored Grad Student’s being able to go home at exactly 4:30 pm on the dot, fireworks are sure to ensue. Ivy League Intern Dude (on phone with patient recruiter person and speaking rather contemptuously): No. Everyone leaves here at four. There will be no one here to help me if I have a patient. SIDE NOTE: Ivy League Intern Dude routinely doesn’t come in until 9 am every morning and leaves at 3 pm every afternoon. Everyone else comes in at 8:30 am and leaves at 4:30 pm. Ivy League Intern Dude (to Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor while still on phone): Hey, Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor. Will anyone be here after five to help with a patient? Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor: I’ll be here. I live here. Oh. Super Bored Grad Student can stay and help you....
2. how to give a talk 101: don’t add new stuff that you know nothing about to your presentationAnd yes, I found this out the hard way on Tuesday when I gave my punctuated-by-sniffles talk.  You see, I didn't really have any time to prepare this talk because I was too busy being a lazy sloth.  And besides, I have no new data since I haven't done any experiments since my last failure in March (at least I think it was March...it's been so long that I've forgotten).  So I used the same talk that I gave at our MD/PhD retreat thing a couple of months ago.  But I apparently forgot to turn on my brain when I decided to add a "future studies" slide (which is a good slide to have if you're not an idiot like me) and listed that we would be testing a compound that I really had no clue about because the reasoning made sense.  And guess what.  Someone in the audience just had to know exactly what that compound was and that there were problems with it and nitric oxide quenching (or something like that since I wasn't even sure of what his point was) and completely made an idiot out of me in front of the entire audience. So let that be a lesson to you.  There's no need to add that one little thing if you don't know everything about it.  No one will notice it missing.  But if you add it and someone's a know-it-all and has some problem with it, then everyone will know that you don't know...
3. do you have what it takes?Really? Do you have what it takes to be an MD/PhD? Before you rattle off your sky high GPA and MCAT scores at me, let me tell you about the requirements they don't tell you about or sugarcoat because they know you'll go running for your life. 1. Have an inquisitive mind. Sounds like a good skill to have, right? Something that's really indispensable if you're planning to pursue research? Well, yeah, it is. But what they neglect to tell you is that no one is going to listen to your ideas. No one at all. You might even get yelled at. Because you're just a peon and how dare you think you have anything new to add that some seasoned PI hasn't already thought of. 2. Work well with others. Research is all about collaboration. Nobody gets anything done by doing everything themselves. You just can't possibly know everything there is to know about everything. What they don't tell you is that collaboration as a grad student means checking your ego at the door and groveling at the feet of collaborators who hold your already tenuous fate in their hands. Oh, so sorry, I'm not available the entire month of April for your studies. 3. Be able to think on your feet. A good skill to have that applies to many aspects in life in general besides research. But when it comes to research, this skill takes on a whole new level. You need to be able to think...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.