my life, my pace

So I went to the farewell reception for the Super Special Undergrad Research Internship program today and found myself particularly unimpressed by all of the glowing comments going around about this year’s batch of interns, which probably was the worst yet. I’ve seen my share of bad Super Special Interns in my six or so years here but these guys sure do take the cake. So instead of allowing myself to be brainwashed by the robotic repetition by all of the powers that be of how great these interns were, I came up with a guide for deciphering what they really mean when they say all of those nice things.

The presentations were excellent = Yeah, of course they were because: a) I wasn’t there to be tortured by see them, b) I fell asleep, c) I just made an appearance and left before I actually saw or heard anything, d) I was listening to my ipod the whole time, or e) I’m just flat out lying and they really sucked ass.

You all worked so hard = As if I would know. I’m just saying that to make you think that you actually tricked me into believing that you were working hard when you were actually stalking your friends on Facebook.

When you’re successful, don’t forget about this program that helped you get there = Yeah, we want our money back because you’re a bunch of slackers, so you better be making a big donation once you start making real money so we can fund more slackers like you.

You’re always welcome here = Uh, no you’re not.

We’ll miss you here = Good riddance. Leave now before we call security.

Yep, today was those Super (Un)Special Interns’ last day, which means that the pesky freeloading kids are leaving tomorrow. I’m not even bothering to try to contain my excitement. This farewell thing, annoying as it was because of the gratuitous use of such blatant untrue platitudes, was a small price to pay in comparison to the fact that I’ll finally be rid of these pests.