let’s talk about specialties

The more interesting title would be “deal with the devil?” but that’s just too vague for search engines and the like. So I have this lame title instead, but rest assured, this post will not be lame—I hope.

So the other day I was at lab (where else would I be?) and my major professor (who is a PhD by the way) waltzes into my office and plunks down in a chair, which is never a good thing because that means he wants to talk. And when talks, he only talks about himself. But that day was a little different.

Major Professor: I remember you were interested in Dermatology. Are you still?
Me (to self): Uh, no. I was only interested because I briefly fell into that whole comfy lifestyle with lots of money crap. I’m over that now.
Me (to him): I haven’t eliminated the possibility.
Major Professor: The chair of Dermatology pulled me aside the other day and we had a long talk. He really regrets that not a single one of the residents that he has recruited so far in his time as chair here has chosen to stay in academics.
Me (to self): Duh. If I did Derm, I wouldn’t stay in academics either.
Major Professor: He thought that MD/PhDs would stay in academics, but they didn’t. Now he just wants someone who can guarantee him that they will stay in academics. He asked about you, since you’re an MD/PhD.
Me (to self): Wha?! Can I really be guaranteed a spot here, in Derm no less, if I sell my soul to academics?!
Me (to him): Well, I’m not really interested in Dermatology right now, but I’m not eliminating it from my options until I get on the wards. Besides, that’s still three years down the road. Things may change. He might find people who will stay in academics by then. He can’t guarantee me a spot, can he?
Major Professor: You know that Dermatology is the best specialty for a good lifestyle, don’t you? And let’s put it this way—if you commit and you do all the right things, then your chance will be super super high here.
Me: I don’t know if I can guarantee that I will stay in academics. Right now, I’m not in it for the money or lifestyle. But who knows what might change in three years?
Major Professor: Well, you decide. But if you’re interested, let me know and me and him will set everything up for you.

Now, this conversation didn’t really go like this because in between his statements about me and Derm, there were many many statements about how great he is at recruiting residents who stay in academics, which I left out to prevent from boring you to death. So there you have it. The offer of a lifetime—for those of you out there who are dying to get into Dermatology that is. Too bad it was offered to someone who’s only so-so about the specialty. I’m sorry but I am of the opinion (and I know it’s wrong so please don’t flame me) that being a dermatologist is a waste of the torture I put myself through in medical school. I have too much ego for that. I’m sure I’ll be respected and admired by medical students who know how hard it is to get a spot in Derm, but I won’t be by my family, friends, or most of all, my in-laws, who have absolutely no idea how hard it is to get into derm and will think I copped out. And yes, I don’t live my life for them, but I do have to deal with them. And myself. How can I just abandon my love for Neurology simply because I have a better chance of staying here if I go for Derm (wait, did I just say that? Because it doesn’t make sense. A better chance with Derm than Neuro?! I guess I just don’t have a lot of confidence in myself even when it comes to a much less competitive specialty, but then again, this is a desirable place to be, even for Neuro…)? Really, the only thing that makes me give this offer any thought at all is the fact that I want to stay here for residency. This fact makes me want to jump at any offer (within reason now—no Internal Medicine, Family Practice, or Pediatrics for me) that will make that happen. And Derm’s not so bad. But specializing in Derm to stay in academics? I’m already leaning away from academics, thanks to my major professor and others who have done nothing to help cultivate and everything to discourage my interest in it. That’s the real problem here. What’s the point of specializing in Derm if only to make a meager academician’s salary when I can make at least twice as much (a very conservative number there) out in private practice? Which explains exactly why Derm is having such a hard time keeping people, even MD/PhDs, in academics—the lure of private practice is just too great.

Decisions, decisions… Can I just date them both a la Meredith on Grey’s Anatomy?

Related posts:

1. on flounderingSo we had our annual MD/PhD research conference-type thing recently where I presented a poster on all the nothingness I’ve achieved over the past year (thank goodness it wasn’t a talk!). Although the day was full of interesting talks and posters, the most useful thing I found out was that I’m not the only one floundering here! Oh how reassuring it was for me to talk to my fellow MD/PhDers and find out that many of them are just as lost and confused as I am! And to find that they share the same I-just-want-to-finish-this-and-go-back-to-med-school-what-was-I-thinking mentality that I do was just absolutely priceless! Although it made me feel better that I’m not the only one suffering through this whole thing, it makes me wonder if how my colleagues and I feel is normal. Does how we feel mean that maybe we shouldn’t have tacked on that PhD…that we don’t want to be academicians? I’ve often questioned my reasons for pursuing a career in academics because of my experiences with my major professor as well as watching his dealings in the academic world (especially grant-writing and re-writing and re-writing). But every time, I always come back to the same conclusion: I just can’t imagine doing anything else. When I think about being a clinician in private practice and how I will no longer be asking research questions and trying to figure out wacky ways to answer them, it makes me sick inside. Will I still feel this way by the time...
2. a taste of things to comeThe grant that partially funds my salary includes several MDs as co-investigators. These MDs somehow find time in their oh-so-busy schedules to attend our marathon monthly meetings. I try to stay away from them because they seem kind of...mean. Especially this one peds guy who looks like he has a stick perpetually stuck up his ass. It doesn't help that he seems to have something against my major professor and his work. Could it be perhaps that he knows that he's a fraud? Well, at one of these said meetings, I show up early because I want a seat far away from the chair of the department and as close to the door as possible. Mean Peds Guy is also early as well as a coworker of mine, Teacher's Pet, and my major professor. Of course, I choose to converse with my coworker rather than talk to and feed my major professor's narcissism. Being the narcissist that he is, he can't stand sitting there unnoticed, so he opens his big mouth and starts talking to Mean Peds Guy. MAJOR PROFESSOR: You know, she's starting her rotations soon. [obviously referring to me] MEAN PEDS GUY [looking like he could care less]: Oh really. I give a sheepish half smile. MAJOR PROFESSOR: Yes. So you're going to be nice of her when she's on peds, right? MEAN PEDS GUY doesn't say anything and just kind of looks pissy. And I really want to hide. But my major professor is not one to...
3. as the match nears, shadiness aboundsSo, as you all know, Teacher's Pet has been the bane of my existence in the lab for awhile now. I mistakenly thought that she had quit medicine because she cared too much about her patients or some other BS like that, but it turns out that she just quit her internal medicine residency and instead wants to get into another specialty. That's why she hooked up with my major professor--because he's in the department of her specialty of choice and she wanted an in. Well, she applied this year and Match Day is tomorrow. She already knows that she matched and is waiting to find out where. And in the two days that I've been at the lab, all I keep hearing is, "If you match here..." or "Who knows...you might end up in Timbuktu..." or "Well, we don't know yet if you'll be here..." which is normal I suppose, but for some reason, has been sounding ultra sketchy coming out of my major professor's mouth, the chair of the department's mouth, and the chair's minion's mouth. They just all sound like they're saying, "Duuuuuh. Of course you matched here. We made sure of it." They might as well be wink-wink-nudge-nudge-ing when they say these things because it's just that obvious. And that just makes me angry. I understand that these shady things happen and I probably can't do anything about it but play the game. But does it really have to be so blatant? Bad enough that they're...

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