my life, my pace

So, as I mentioned before, our MD/PhD retreat was last week. And I had to give a talk. As I worked on my presentation at lab that week, I shrouded myself in secrecy and didn’t even bother telling my major professor that I was giving a talk. I didn’t want him to come and ruin it for me by looking like he’s ashamed of me and/or jumping in to answer any questions I receive as if I’m too incompetent to answer them myself. But I got screwed because the MD/PhD administration sent a mass email out announcing the retreat. So he knew that I was giving a talk. And he’s always made a big deal about showing up to every single one of my talks. So I knew that I was just screwed. But then as the of the retreat got closer and closer, he made no mention of how he was going to take time out of his busy schedule of surfing ESPN and harrassing people who are actually trying to work to come “support” his “prized” grad student. I began to suspect that he wasn’t going to show up.

And lo and behold, he didn’t. Which was a relief because I was so full of nerves that his being there with his head hung down while I was speaking would have done me in for sure. But at the same time, his not being there was symbolic. It signalled the end of our mentor-student relationship. Just as I (rightfully so) no longer believe in or support him, he no longer supports me. And for no reason other than the fact that I’ve quit being his personal secretary/Powerpoint bitch/servant. As much as I am proud of myself for standing up for myself and refusing to do his scutwork, I can’t help but feel abandoned by this person that I looked up to for direction and guidance.

So in honor of the official end of any remaining shred of a mentor-student relationship between that bastard and me, my song for the week is Sugar Ray - When It’s Over. Because no matter how bad the relationship was, I can’t help but be a little saddened by its demise.

Sick of my songs? Then send me some suggestions!

Related posts:

1. inspirational music for the graduate student 2.3My major professor has a new teacher's pet and doesn't pay any attention to me anymore.  He even forgot Bastille Day, my favorite holiday of the year.  I don't really care except for the fact that it's just plain messed up that he's completely abandoned me so that he can teach someone else.  And to make things even more messed up, he's demanding my data so that he can use it to write a grant.  Without telling me.  Only problem is: I'm not dumb.  I figured out his little scheme.  It's like I'm the little black sheep now.  I get kicked around.  And used.  So I guess I'm better off without him.  Except that I need him to finish my PhD.  I'm so screwed. Since I'm better off without him, my song for the week is: Unkle Bob - Better Off. As always, feel free to send me song suggestions here....
2. inspirational music for the graduate student 1.15I am the only grad student in my lab.  I'm the only one in my office (yes, I know, I should be glad I have my own office).  I don't make friends easily.  And honestly, there's not much about the grad school experience that I find...how do I put it...interesting.  Except that it's rather isolating.  At least in med school, I had ~100 other people who I knew for a fact were going through exactly the same thing I was going through.  In grad school, I don't even know how many other people are studying what I'm studying and I know that everyone's experience is different.  Not everyone has a narcissistic major professor like me.  I cannot be sure that whoever I choose to confide in knows what the hell I'm talking about let alone sympathize, which I could count on in med school because everyone was put through the same hell (more or less).  Yes, I don't really like people and I don't care for social interaction, but this isolation is a bit much, even for me.  So my song for this week is Aimee Mann - One. Are you a grad student?  Know what it's like to be one?  Then send your song suggestions to me here....
3. inspirational music for the graduate student 1.16Ah, nothing like a little get-together of all of us MD/PhDers (they call it a colloquium) to remind me of how I'm not finishing my PhD this year as I had planned. And I really needed to finish this year. Because this whole PhD thing is driving me crazy. I don't know if I can last another year. The longer it takes, the more bitter and jaded I become and the less likely I will go into academics once it's all said and done (if ever). Argh, the frustration! And the song that's running through my head as I fume against my predicament is the current opening theme for another anime that I watch called Death Note. It's in Japanese and I haven't found the translation, but it's not what I would call a happy song. The seemingly incoherent rapidfire singing that this band does is so reminiscent of all of the non-help I've been getting to help me finish and get on with my life. It's the perfect song for all of the frustration that I feel. [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lG3d_q9CMDQ&mode=related&search=[/youtube] Know some good angry-I-hate-grad-school songs?  Send them to me here....

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