my life, my pace

That’s what I’ve felt like these past couple of weeks. Everyone keeps telling me to enjoy everything while I still can as if I’m some prisoner enjoying my last meal before my execution. Sad how that statement is pretty much true. It is so unbelievably hard for me to accept that I’m going to have to give up everything that I enjoy indefinitely. Simple things like lounging around the house with my dog, playing Rock Band, cooking, blogging, sewing, tennis…all the things that make me me. All those things will no longer have any place in my life as I enter the abyss that is the third year of med school. Having these things then having to give them up again makes me almost wish I’d never done a PhD so that I would never have tasted such freedom because it is now so hard to let it all go. Well, I think you get my point. Enough whining.

I’ve been MIA for quite awhile now because I’ve been enjoying my last meal to the fullest extent possible and was on a last-minute vacation. It was fun, but the spectre of third year was never far behind so it wasn’t quite as fun as it could have been. But at least I won’t regret not taking a vacation later. I don’t do much on vacations besides eat and shop and this one was no exception. And for some reason, I was obsessed with finding a perfectly functional handbag because I was finally tired of my small yet not-so-functional collection. Not one to cheap out on such things, my husband insisted that I only look at designer bags. I had a Marc by Marc Jacobs in mind, but it ended up looking way better online than in person. I guess handbags just can’t be functional and fashionable at the same time. I then found a Burberry one that I could live with and had settled on it (and was planning to buy it once I got back home) when my husband insisted we check out the Louis Vuitton store on the way out. Now I don’t like LV stuff because I don’t like the monogram and how it’s everywhere, but I decided to humor him since he had already humored me way more than he had to with my great handbag search of 2008 and I figured he deserved it. I really hate going to these high-end stores because the people are just so snobby and act like I don’t even deserve to be in their store. One day, I swear, I’ll stroll in in my scrubs and white coat just to see if I get treated differently. Suffice it to say, I was trying to get in and out of there as quickly as possible, but my husband made me look at their bags, theorizing that maybe so many people have them because they’re functional. Well, he was wrong. But he also found the perfect bag for me while he was at it. And even though I don’t like LV stuff, I caved in and bought it.

There was no way I was going to be able to resist my special shade of purple. And besides, it’s a really nice bag. And it doesn’t have that ostentatious LV monogram all over it. And I’m now $900 poorer. I figure I won’t be shopping much once I start rotations again, so it’ll be okay.

So I start tomorrow bright and early. I still wish I could freeze time and be a slacker forever…or at least until I master every instrument on Rock Band on expert, but I have no choice but to forge ahead. I might disappear for extended periods of time, but not forever. You’re just going to have to be patient and you’ll be rewarded with stories aplenty, I’m sure.

And to those who responded to my Dear Reader post awhile ago, I haven’t forgotten you and will be getting responses up as soon as I stop admiring my new LV bag find the time.

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1. one step forward, three steps back…The good news (I think): I'm finally almost done with my dissertation revision. I could have it done by the end of this week if my thoughts didn't keep fluctuating and then focusing on how ephemeral life is. That and the fact that all I have left to finish is the discussion. One section doesn't sound tough, but it is the section that needs the most work and the one that is the most difficult for me to write. The bad news (or maybe not so bad if you really think about it): I've been asked to consider stopping my clinical work (read: my third year) and starting up again with next year's class so that I would have my dissertation completely behind me and be able to start completely fresh instead of jumping back in with now super-experienced third years with only psychiatry under my belt. I have mixed feelings about this particular strategy. On the one hand, I do need that extra time to "prepare" myself as best I can by reviewing things like the physical exam and clinical reasoning, which I never was very good at in the first place. Also, since I've already done one rotation, I can take my last block off and study for Step 2, which I need to do well on since I'm going after Radiology. Oh yeah, and if I were to really return on rotation 5 as planned, I would be so far behind that I would not have any...
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3. i’ve almost resigned myself to not finishing my phd this yearAlmost is the key word here.  Almost, but not quite because I really don't want to take an extra year.  I really don't.  But it's looking more and more like I don't have much choice here.  Why?Well, because: (1) I'm terrified that I will fail my quals.  And evil committee member doesn't help my confidence one bit.  Neither does the random committee shuffle.  Or the fact that I haven't really studied for over two weeks now.  The holidays are really a horrible time to have to be studying.  I'm so distracted by everything even though I really hate the holidays anyway.  Hating the holidays doesn't mean I can ignore them.  It doesn't mean I don't have to find presents for my evil in-laws.  It doesn't mean that I'm not tempted by all of the sales (to buy presents for myself, of course!).(2) My last experiment failed and the animal I'm using in my model isn't going to be available until late January.  Which means no experiments until then and still no working model.  If I want to finish this year, I will have to finish by July.  Hmm...  No model and no way to do experiments until February leaves me with only five months to finish my project.  I may be smart, but even I can't pull something like that off.  This issue is more complicated by the fact that I technically don't have to start in July along with the rest of the third year medical students.  I could start...

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